Those Who Dream

January In Review

2012-01-31T14:48:00.003-06:00

Listening: for the still small Voice... And to Avett Brothers and Bon Iver.
Eating: Cutie oranges and maybe one too many chocolate chip cookies
Watching: Downton Abbey, so help me...
Wearing: Yoga pants...and actually doing yoga in them
Finding: Others to share a dream
Accomplishing: My goals. So far so good. The novel is coming along nicely.
Planning: A few tweaks to the goals as I learn what works & what doesn't.
Dreaming: Yes
Thinking: Challenging but positive thoughts
Wanting: To be swept off my feet
Needing: Community
Feeling: Hopeful
Enjoying: Unusually mild and sunny days

The Civil Wars

2012-01-16T14:50:00.003-06:00

Last night.

The Civil Wars.

At the Pageant.

So. Good.

Word Jumble

2012-01-10T10:24:00.004-06:00

I'm not one for making big New Year's Resolutions. (I prefer making Goals. Yes, there's a difference...if only in my mind.) But I am one for retrospect, for learning what we can from where we've been. AND for looking forward in anticipation to what lies ahead, as any good wayfarer should. So, I did a little mental exercise over the weekend. (I found the workbook here.) Good stuff.

One of the questions was "If you lived and breathed your word every day in 2012, what would be different for you?" I tried and tried but I just wasn't feeling "Spiral" as my word of the year. I couldn't figure out how to live it and breathe it Every Day.

So, I modified my word for 2012.

Spiral will still be a theme. I still very much want to embrace the spiral journeys in my life. But as far as a grounding touchstone throughout the year, it just didn't hold water to what I really want to be about in 2012.

This year I want to "Aspire." To rouse and awaken. To reach out. On purpose. To mean to do things and then to actually follow through. And in order to do that I need real tangible goals, which are already beginning to take form. They are similar goals as in the past, but (and here comes the spiral theme) they've become clearer and more defined.

I can live and breathe "aspire" every day. Sure the newness and excitement will wane in a few weeks. But then I will come back to this word and remember. Then when it fades again, I will remember again. Remember to not waste time or thoughts or ideas. Remember to think of what glories I may be missing out on in the self-indulgence of laziness, junk food, and bad TV.

I have not been living at my best lately, and lingering there is doing me no favors.
"I want to scale the utmost height,
And catch a gleam of glory bright
But still I'll pray, till Heaven I've found,
Lord, lead me on to higher ground."

Instant Favorite

2012-01-06T08:25:00.002-06:00

I know I'm late to the game on this as season 2 is about to start on Sunday. And I may or may not have only seen one episode so far. But OH. MY. GOSH! This show is incredible. I was hooked in the first 5 minutes. The story, the writing, the cast -- all of it. Perfection.

New Year, New Word

2012-01-01T12:16:00.003-06:00

First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I went home to Alabama for Christmas, and it was nice and relaxing and all kinds of good for my soul. Writing and blogging and pretty much everything else was put on hold for heaps of family time. It's hard to do much else when you have THESE turkeys to contend with.

(How did they get so TALL?!)

Anywhoo...

Last year I implemented the idea of having a "word of the year." And it was good. So good in fact that I'm keeping the word, LOOK, and adding another word. It sounds kind of silly, but hear me out. It's "SPIRAL." And it's inspired (sort of) by a line from T.S. Eliot.

"We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

I've noticed over the past couple of months (or maybe decades) that I'm resistant to covering the same territory twice. Like driving to work by one route, but coming home another. Not wanting to retrace my steps. Thinking I've gained that understanding or seen that thing already. I want to be challenged with something new. I want adventure and exploration. Both physically and emotionally... mentally...spiritually.

And yet, I constantly find myself in circular journeys, like Eliot says, arriving right back where I've started. Only not exactly. My journeys feel more spiral than circular. More like overlapping routes that seem to cover the same ground, the same lessons. Except that they are never exactly the same because I am never exactly the same.

With each new turn I bring along a new layer of knowledge and experience that I didn't have the first or second time around. And the scenery or the instruction or the truth or whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning this leg of the journey gets pressed a little deeper. Like an artist with a painting, more color and shape are added. More detail and dimension. The picture grows clear and vivid with each new round.

And so this year, I will try and stop fighting what seems to be sameness. And I will "look" a little deeper to see what new thing there is to see in that spot or on that path I've crossed a thousand times. I will embrace the spiral journey, absorbing each new layer, allowing it to take root and be Gain. Allowing the new details to take hold and become more...me.

AAAAnd It's Monday

2011-12-19T09:01:00.004-06:00

1) A flat tire.
2) A visit from an unwelcome guest.
3) A major-ish crisis at work.
4) Boss calls with a car emergency. Needs to picked up.

All before 9am. It's gonna be a red-letter day.

TMI

2011-12-14T08:31:00.002-06:00

Dear Oversharing Coworker,

For the love of all that is good and right in the ever blessed universe...Just. Don't.

There are some things that co-workers should not discuss. Some topics that are off limits in the work place. That are off limits ANYWHERE, really. We are not, nor will we ever be, close enough friends for you to tell me about your latest...nevermind. I'm going to spare anyone reading this the same trauma I have just experienced.

Off to scour my ear drums,
Jackie

Dear December

2011-12-01T10:22:00.002-06:00

click pic for cred

You sort of sneaked your way in this year. Hi.

Remember when we would go into the woods and cut down our Christmas tree? The smell of cedar and some delicious something or other floating in from the kitchen. Dad looking for the Elvis Christmas album and Mom softly complaining under her breath about having to vacuum up all the needles.

Remember the time the church youth group took a hay ride to go Christmas caroling around town? That was fun.

You may have a sharp bite, but you're not fooling anyone. You give endless supplies of imagination, of story, of wishing and hope. It's good to see you.

And the sunshine you sent today? I really appreciate it.

Oops

2011-11-30T08:20:00.004-06:00

I got so busy enjoying all of the things I'm thankful for, I lost track of time and forgot to post about them. To wrap up this month of thanks, please click the link below and enjoy my boyfriend Jimmy and all the things he's thankful for this year.

Thank You Notes For Your Thanksgiving - Thank You Notes - Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Holiday

2011-11-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

Grateful for a short work week, a trip down South, Family, going home...

Just a Dream

2011-11-22T08:28:00.003-06:00

Grateful to wake up and find that I am safely in my bed and not, in fact, standing in spotlight on stage in front of hundreds of people...

Holding a guitar on which I only know 3 chords...

And a list of songs I don't know at all.

Terrifying.

Also? Later in the dream? I was somehow in charge of backing an unwieldy 18-wheeler down a narrow alley all while "bad guys" opened fire on me with semi-automatic weapons. As I relayed the dream to my roommate this morning, she kindly reminded me that I had watched this week's episodes of Modern Family and Hawaii Five-0 right before I went to bed.

Ahhh, that explains it.

Old Is New

2011-11-21T08:34:00.004-06:00

click pic for cred

Grateful for the subtle shift a new light can bring to an old thing. The verse you've sung a thousand times takes on an added layer. A fresh root shoots deep and takes hold. New growth begins.

...And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the Light of His Glory and Grace...

Lazy Saturday

2011-11-19T12:35:00.003-06:00

Grateful for a lazy Saturday under a blanket, rediscovering an old favorite.

Sunshine

2011-11-17T15:48:00.002-06:00

click on pic for cred

Grateful for the big sunshine. It makes cold temps a little easier to bear.

Freedom

2011-11-16T10:34:00.003-06:00

Grateful for brave souls and their families who make immeasurable sacrifices so that we can be free.

I was in Canada and busy working on Veteran's Day, but I would be remiss if I didn't include this in my grateful list. ("Grateful" isn't nearly strong enough of a word, yes?) There they celebrate "Rememberance Day." Everyone wears red poppies on their lapels in honor of all who have fought and sacrificed for the freedoms we enjoy today. The flower is a reference from the WWI era poem, In Flanders Fields.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Perspective

2011-11-15T08:26:00.005-06:00

Grateful for a renewed frame of reference.

Past the last cloud all the gray disappears...from both the sky and my mood. The sun is steady, constant. Always there. Refusing to be held hostage by the storm below. Something stirs, and hope comes alive. Flying just beyond the reach of heartache, I lose my taste for tears.

There is strength to be gathered to rise above the storm.

A Good Book

2011-11-10T09:30:00.002-06:00

Grateful for good books to read on the plane. Especially this one. It's settling in with an old friend. Fiddling with the torn ribbon that saved my place as we catch up where we left off...at my favorite part. Well, one of my favorite parts. The pages welcome me back with a rustle, and I melt at Mr. Rochester's words describing Jane.

"...Besides, I was for a while troubled with a haunting fear that if I handled the flower freely its bloom would fade - the sweet charm of freshness would leave it. I did not know then that it was no transitory blossom; but rather the radiant resemblance of one , cut in an indestructible gem."

Travel

2011-11-09T13:40:00.002-06:00

click pic for cred

Grateful for the opportunity to travel...even if it is for work.

I'm headed to Toronto tomorrow for a few days. The work is always pretty exhausting, but I love almost everything about traveling. People-watching in the airports. Seeing new places. Trying new things.

It evokes a feeling of endless possibility.

Stillness

2011-11-08T11:12:00.002-06:00

click on pic for cred

Grateful for time to be still.

I'm wondering if all of these red lights lately have been a veiled (or maybe not so veiled) message to stop. And listen. I'm doing a lot of rushing here and there. Appearing busy. But sometimes it feels more like frenetic activity than actual productive work. And even when the work is useful or important, it still gets in the way of stillness. Of peace. Of connecting with something or Someone greater than me. Of being aware of THOSE moments.

Those moments that are always there.

Waiting for me.

To be still.

Sleep

2011-11-07T12:05:00.002-06:00

Grateful for an extra hour of sleep. Not so grateful for the days getting shorter, but we're trying to see things from new angles, right? Looking at the bright sides? I'm trying here.

That sweet extra hour of sleep. Waking up slow and stretching wide all the way down to each little pinky toe. Scrunching back up under the pile of blankets with a yawn. Then unfolding again, bit by bit. Opening a rested body and soul up to the day at hand.

Then I hear the rain, and I just want to burrow and hunker down.

It's Monday.

Illumination

2011-11-06T16:40:00.005-06:00

Grateful for a brightness in the dark.
For colorful orbs on a dim and inky night.
For Light that shows the way.

Friends

2011-11-05T17:47:00.003-05:00

Grateful for friends who help ring in a new season with chili, hot apple cider and smores over campfires.

Also?

Grateful for friends who let me crash at their place for a bit when I've locked myself out of the house.

It could happen to anybody. I'm just sayin'.

Detours

2011-11-04T09:09:00.005-05:00

I'm grateful for detours that lead to unexpected reminders. A few days ago a detour around some road construction had me irritated. And for no good reason, really. I wasn't late for anything. Wasn't going anywhere in particular. That extra five minutes had no impact whatsoever on any plans in my afternoon. It was just the last straw in a week full of gnat-like annoyances. I wasn't LOOKing at anything except my own comfort and the inconveniences that disrupted it.

To top it off I got caught at Every. Red. Light. And we all know how I feel about waiting on red lights. (I really am a patient person...outside of traffic. Three years driving in Atlanta does that to a person.)

At the last light, something over to the right caught my eye. A pile of cinder blocks, I'm guessing from the construction materials, sat on the curb. And painted on the middle one was a bouquet of red flowers.

It made me pause and smile. A reminder to stop and smell the roses. To see the soft amidst the hard. To look for beauty in unexpected places. Or even, dare I try, to offer beauty in unexpected places.

I've tried several times this week to drive back by the spot and snap a picture. But, wouldn't you know it, it's a green light every time. And the folks in traffic behind me aren't as grateful for the painted flowers as I am.

A New Route

2011-11-02T13:24:00.004-05:00

My new pad has me taking a different route to work with a slightly longer commute. Which means I have to get up earlier. Which I hate. So, I've been trying various ways to shave off a couple of minutes here and there because every. Extra. Minute. Of sleep. Counts.

I am not a morning person.

Anyway.

I've discovered that the quickest route is only the quickest route if I catch the green light at Kingshighway and Arsenal. If I miss it, then I end up five cars back in the turn lane waiting on the ohforthelovewillthislightneverchange red light. And I can't spend my life waiting for the light to change.

So.

I cut through the park instead.

And I get to see the leaves changing on my way to work.

Not a bad way to start a day.

And So Begins A Month of Gratitude

2011-11-01T11:03:00.004-05:00

click pic for cred

Learning to view things from a different angle.
Gaining perspective.
Context can change everything.

Ready for Change

2011-10-25T15:58:00.006-05:00

So, here we are on the brink of a new month. A new season. Funny how life falls in step with nature sometimes. Things are changing, and it's good and promising and hopeful and all happening a little faster than I'm quite ready for.

It feels wild. But in a good way.

I think.

Like barely topping the first hill on a roller coaster...if you like roller coasters, that is. The expectation and anticipation is palpable.

Moving Day is Saturday. My life is being boxed up, and I'm using this opportunity to declutter. To simplify. Both externally and internally. I've been stagnant for a while. So, this process is like a fresh cool stream flowing through my soul, cleansing and reaching parts of me that needed to be awakened. Was that a little dramatic? Probably.

I have a very vivid memory that's probably only a mixture of actual memory and things that have been added by imagination over the years, as that's how these things usually go. But it's as clear in my mind as if it happened yesterday.

My Grandfather had taken all of us kids on one of our many summer hikes to Beaver Creek. It was a hot and humid Alabama afternoon. On the way to the creek, we stopped at this small pond that was brown and stagnant with a grainy film floating in spots. A dead tree drooped at its edge. I waded in, and the water was hot. I swatted a fly away from my face as my toes squished through the mud and wrapped around what my 10 year old little mind was SURE was dead fish bones.

We didn't stay there long. Soon enough we were jumping from a felled tree trunk down into the cool rippling water of Beaver Creek. Papaw whittled a water wheel while we caught banana bugs and dove for mussels.

The difference between the still, hot, murky pond and the flowing waters of the creek were drastic. I welcome the flowing waters. Things are changing. And so am I.

Notes From a Thursday

2011-10-13T10:51:00.009-05:00

- I'm having a good hair day. Which is saying something as it's a rainy and humid-y type morning.

- I've started going to a boot camp in the local park. And now I can't move a single part of my body without being in pain. But last night after the game (GO CARDS!) I watched one of those "I Shouldn't Be Alive" shows where a guy fell off a cliff and survived, but he shattered his hip and had to army crawl across jagged rocks and sand for days, dragging his mostly disembodied right leg behind him in order to get to a populated area. So, now I'm thinking sore muscles maybe aren't that big of a deal, and I should just go ahead and stop whining.

- But it's fun working out in a park. After pushing my body to its almost limits, I looked up to see the moon rising over the tree tops. And it took my breath away. Well, what little breath I had left after doing 5,000,001 squat thrusts.

- Several people are out of the office today. It's quiet. Pandora radio is playing Mumford & Sons in the background, and I'm getting some work done.

- While cleaning/packing (did I mention I'm moving?) I found some old sheet music from college, and the songs have been stuck in my head all morning. Ahh, memories.

- So...I'm moving! Not far. Just a few miles down the road. I'm a little sad, and a little overwhelmed, but mostly hopeful and excited. I've loved my little apartment. But there are some financial goals I'd like to meet, and the new living situation will help me meet those goals faster than if I stayed where I am. At least that's what my grown-up self tells me.

- Now, "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" is playing on Pandora. Hm, fitting. La, la, la, la, Life goes on.

Phone Conversation with Grandma

2011-10-04T15:26:00.008-05:00

Me: Hey Grandma, it's me, Jackie.

G'ma: Well, hey there Dah-lin' (said in thick Southern accent)

Me: Whatcha up to?

G'ma: Oh, as much as an old lady like me can be up to...not much. What about you?

Me: Just got home from work. I wanted to call and thank you for the set of silver you sent with Mom and Dad. I love it. It's something I'll treasure.

G'ma: Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

Me: How long have you had it.

G'ma: Now let's see. I got that set right after me and your Papaw got married. I always meant to keep adding to it. A serving spoon here and there, you know. But your daddy came along and then Brenda. And we just didn't have the money back then.

Me: KIDS. They mess everything up.

G'ma: laughter...(pause)...I miss your Papaw so much.

Me: I know you do. I do, too. (long pause) Grandma, did you ever think of getting remarried.

G'ma: No. Never. I knew I'd never find anybody I'd love as much as Tennyson. Besides, what would I do now with an old man?

Me: Good point. Well, I'll keep my eyes peeled for you anyway for any cute old men around here.

G'ma: And I'll be looking for a man for you, too.

Me: Deal.

Just A Smidge Overwhelmed

2011-09-30T10:32:00.002-05:00

The Big Event at work is over and done with. (Phew!) Except that a week out of the office means tons of emails to catch up on and the subsequent work that goes with each one of those emails. I'll be working on those for a month of Sundays. It's been a hectic week, and I am D-O-N-E, done.

The Big Event also took up last weekend, and I am SO feeling the effects of it. But today is Friday and I have two glorious, blissful days to do whatever I want. Except that I need to go grocery shopping, clean my apartment, wash my car, and a million other errands. So, it's really more like I have all of Sunday evening to do whatever I want.

Well, alright. I'll take it.

Mini-Vacay

2011-09-20T13:18:00.005-05:00

One of my BFFs emailed me last week with a brilliant idea. After reflecting on how motivated and productive she was at work right after coming back from vacation, she said,

"It hit me...we should have vacations more often AND on a regular basis! In order to have balance between work and play perhaps they should be frequent short breaks. It occurred to me that each week we should have a couple of days off. My vision was shattered when I realized that's what weekends are. Grrr."

Now she's on a mission to develop a mini-vacation mentality for weekends. Like, telling your co-workers on a Friday afternoon, "I'm going on vacation for two days!" or "See you when I get back from vacation!" I'm all about supporting my friends. So, here are a few pics from my latest mini-vacation.

My parents came to visit.

And we went to the Balloon Glow in Forest Park.

The next day there were sky divers.

And a hot air balloon race.

Awesome.

Crazy Times

2011-09-13T13:14:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again. The super insane crazy busy time at work.

It's crazy.

And busy.

No time for much else.

But my parents are visiting this weekend. So that's good.

I'll be back soon.

Have I mentioned things are a little crazy?

3BT Monday

2011-08-29T08:34:00.004-05:00

1. A friend from my time in California is passing through St. Louis, and she stays for a few days. We play tourist, enjoy the amazing almost-end-of-summer weather, and laugh like crazy.

2. We swap stories about "The Ranch" where we worked. And she says something that reminds me again how important it is to LOOK for those times and places where the veil is pulled back, even if only for a moment. She says, "I'm always surprised at how few people have experienced glimpses of Heaven like we did at the Ranch."

3. Suddenly a flood of memories and truth comes pouring into my heart, soul, and mind. The peace that was there even in difficult times. The reeds by the pond singing out their praises when the wind swept through. The people, oh, the people. And the lives that were altered in permanent ways, mine included. Changed because the aroma of what is yet to come weaves in and around that place, bringing with it a reminder of how things could be, of how things were meant to be. A reminder of Hope and Promise.

Moves Like Jagger - ish

2011-08-26T08:17:00.003-05:00

I tried not to stare, but it was hard to look away. To be fair everyone else in the turn lane behind me was watching, too. I think that was kind of her point. It was 5:00 rush hour, and she was waiting at the bus stop at Kingshighway and Vandeventer.

She had an old school Walkman and dance moves that can only be described as Jagger crossed with an epileptic kangaroo. Really spastic but executed with such confidence that you couldn't help but give her props.

At the top of her lungs and just a hair off key she belted out Patty Smith's "I Am the Warrior." For the big finish, she added the hand motions of her thumb and forefinger in the shape of a gun. "Shootin' at the walls of heartache. Bang, bang, I am the warrior. Yes, I am the warrior and victory is mine."

The light changed, and we all drove on to our respective destinations. I don't know about any of the other motorists, but I went home feeling a little bit lighter and little like dancing.

Open Letter to Television Advertisers (Alternately Titled: In Which I Realize I Watch Entirely Too Much TV)

2011-08-23T08:12:00.010-05:00

Dear Television Advertisers,

I get it. You're trying to grab my attention.

At first I thought something was wrong with my television. There I was enjoying my favorite show at a reasonable volume, when commercials would come on and blast the speakers out of my TV. I'd hit mute or just change the channel. Then I figured out that making commercials louder was an actual advertising strategy. That's when I began making a conscious decision NOT to buy whatever it was you were selling. Because I don't like things being forced on me.

Instead of shooting low with loud and obnoxious, why not make a commercial that's actually clever or funny? Like the girl at the party with the skin tight dress, seven inch heels, and a few too many cocktails, you're coming off a little needy. And trampy. Tone it down.

Also? To the networks that use the ginormous station identification icons and the pop up ads where miniature versions of characters from other shows on your network take up half the screen, interrupting a crucial plot point of the show I'm actually watching. (I'm looking at you, USA.) It's overkill.

I'm no expert in advertising. But I am a consumer, and I know what works for me. What you're doing is NOT working. There's no need to come on so strong. Try a little subtlety before you turn into Too Much Cologne Guy. Trust me, a little dab of the good stuff in the right places is all you need.

Your friend (but not for too much longer if you keep up these shenanigans),
Jackie

3BT Monday

2011-08-22T14:38:00.003-05:00

Taking it easy, Beachy Dreams, A Chain Reaction

1. The sun is shining, and light breezes are blowing. I lay my to-do list down and go outside because to stay indoors would be an insult to the afternoon.

2. I find a candle called "Beach Party" that smells like coconut tanning lotion. I buy it and pretend my apartment is the beach. I'm really, really good at pretending.

3. A search for one book at the library leads to three more, and before you know it you're happily lugging home a stack and half of knowledge and entertainment in equal parts.

3BT Monday

2011-08-15T11:43:00.003-05:00

Waves, Do it again, A Weight Lifted

1. Floating on rafts in the waves and laughing like crazy whenever a big one flips us over. Then scurrying quick-like to get back on because I watched a little too much of Discovery Channel's Shark Week before leaving for the beach.

2. As we get off the roller coaster, a small boy in front of us looks up at his Dad with big eyes and a freshly wind-blown face. In his tiny British accent he says, "Again Dad! Let's do it again!" I'm positive I have the same expression on my face as I look at my friend. And we go again.

3. We cross over the bridge, and the second I see the ocean it feels as though a huge weight lifts from my chest. I can't stop smiling. My friend suggests that maybe such weight is not a good thing, and I should relocate somewhere closer to a beach. I'm thinking this may not be a bad idea.

So Much Fun

2011-08-12T16:13:00.007-05:00

Vacation was awesome.
And spending a week hanging out with my two best friends was exactly what I needed. I have not laughed that much since, well, ever. My side hurt for most of the week, along with my foot.

Speaking of my foot...

It went to the Harry Potter amusement park
and had more fun than I, as a mature adult,
am willing to admit on a public blog.

Best conversation of the day:
Me: "I can't believe a piece of plastic shaped like a magic wand costs 30 dollars."
H: "Seriously. I am not paying 30 bucks for a wand that doesn't even work."

My foot also relaxed by the pool, swimming and reading a great book.

We spent a couple of days at Cocoa Beach, but my foot was feeling self conscious in a bathing suit and didn't want to be photographed frolicking in the waves.

The rest of the time was spent catching up and laughing and eating and laughing some more and meeting a friendly Irish barkeep who is a musician and who knows Glen Hansard(!) and who invited us to see his comedian friend in a stand-up comic competition.

Seriously? The laughing? I'm not even joking.

Ahhhhh, good times.

Do I Know How To Start A Vacation Or What

2011-08-05T10:09:00.004-05:00

Sooo, I was rushing around my apartment yesterday morning getting ready for work. I turned the corner out of my bathroom, and my little pinky toe caught on the door jamb.

And it broke.

The toe, not the door jamb.

After one trip to Urgent Care, a few X-Rays, and the hottest orthopedic shoe you have ever laid eyes on, I am headed to Florida...broken bones be damned. And I have never felt sexier in my entire life.

3BT Monday

2011-08-01T10:18:00.002-05:00

Anticipation, Like Chasing the Wind, and Pizza Makers

1. A MUCH needed vacation with my two best friends begins this coming Friday. Many phone calls and emails with lots of planning have been flurrying back and forth. And numerous text messages filled with exclamation points!!! We are all very excited.

2. The best ideas seem to live elusively in the twilight between sleeping and waking. I manage to grab hold of one while it still has form, before it disappears into a vapor. I write it down in a drowsy haze before I forget it, and I congratulate myself on remembering to put a pen and paper beside my bed the night before.

3. My "little sis" and I make a pizza from almost scratch and watch it bake through the oven window. It ends up tasting pretty good, and she thinks we should open a restaurant.

The What If Games

2011-07-29T08:31:00.006-05:00

There are two versions of the "what-if" game, and I am adept at both because they both involve daydreaming. And I would totally win a gold medal in the Daydreaming Olympics.

The first version is one of looking back at past choices and usually results in a big steaming pile of regret. What if I had stuck with my original major in college? What if I hadn't even gone to college and had pursued a more creative career? What if I had stayed in California and married the guy I was dating out there? "If I had onlies" and "what if I had justs" are rarely a good idea.

But the other version, the one of imagination and possibility, is crucial in coming up with good ideas, especially good story ideas. Like...what if a tornado picked up your house in your black and white Kansas world and plopped you down in a technicolor world called Oz? Or what if you could walk through a mirror into another dimension where Cheshire cats had big grins and Mad Hatters threw tea parties? Or what if a plane crashed into an island that had special qualities and a history all its own and everyone was LOST?

What if a simple girl from Alabama had big dreams and wanted to write a novel and maybe a couple of screenplays? What if...

3BT Monday

2011-07-25T14:36:00.002-05:00

Moved, Alleviation, and Worth the Fight

1. I find myself moved to tears by a touching scene in the final Harry Potter movie. Leaving the theater my friend tells me she got emotional, too, and I don't feel so silly.

2. A soft cloud cover floats over the city, and there is relief from the oppressive heat. A collective sigh from the neighbors blows the leaves in the trees. Or maybe it was just a breeze.

3. After a few days of struggling with deeper heart things and getting discouraged, I remember there can be no victory without first facing a battle.

Some Favorite Things (1-10)

2011-07-22T08:00:00.003-05:00

click on pic for flickr cred

1. Mosaics...when broken pieces are refashioned into something beautiful.

2. Vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries mixed in

3. Listening to music that moves me, that makes me sing and feel and dance like crazy in my living room.

4. Superman. Because he's the only superhero (as far as I'm aware) whose disguise is being human.

5. Getting so caught up in a book that everything else disappears and you are in the story. I mean, is there really any other kind of book worth reading?

6. That rare click when you meet someone and you know instantly that you're going to be friends.

7. The sound the wind makes when it blows through the trees and rustles the leaves. It's like a whisper of some secret something that we've only just begun to understand.

8. Finishing a really difficult crossword puzzle. Without cheating. It makes me feel smart.

9. Road Trips.

10. Laughing out loud at a movie in the theater.

It Just Takes a Little Practice

2011-07-20T08:00:00.003-05:00

"I can't believe that!" said Alice.

"Can't you?" the Queen said in a pitying tone. "Try again: Draw a long breath, and shut your eyes."

Alice laughed, "There's no use trying," she said, "one can't believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast..."

Through the Looking Glass
~Lewis Carroll

3BT Monday - U2 Edition

2011-07-18T09:23:00.008-05:00

Getting Caught up, Awestruck, Feeling It

1. A low rumble begins at one end of the stadium and rises to a crescendo as U2 takes the stage. The energy spreads like wildfire throughout the crowd, and I shout with the masses.

2. A young boy is pulled onto the stage feet away from us. He stares wide-eyed as Bono grabs his hand and sings to him. What a story he'll have to tell his friends.

3. The beat reverberates through my entire being. I feel it body and soul, and something shakes loose deep inside me. I sing from the top of my lungs and from that place within because it rings true..."I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Now My Locker Won't Open

2011-07-14T08:44:00.008-05:00

Seriously? Am I back in high school?

During the past week I have had no less than 6 (SIX!) zits appear on my face. For the first time in years I had to buy zit cream. I blame it on the sweat inducing excessive heat wave. It's 5,218 degrees outside. Hot, I tell you!

A friend threw a party where I thought I wasn't going to know anyone except the hostess. I stressed a little too much about what to wear. Though, I'm not sure that's exclusively a "high school" worry. And I used too much concealer that only ended up sweating off anyways.

And then? Then I ran into the cute guitar playing boy I used to have a from-a-distance-crush on in the library. And he said hi.

Apparently, I am 16 years old this week.

3BT Monday

2011-07-11T16:00:00.002-05:00

Tresses, Time, and Neighborly Words

1. The way freshly blow-dried hair feels falling soft on my bare shoulders.

2. A few extra hours of freedom on a Friday afternoon. Oh, the possibilities.

3. After seeing an open Anne of Green Gables dvd cover in my living room, my upstairs neighbor who had dropped by for a visit gives me a funny look. "We are SO different," she says, "but I like you anyway."

And Some of the Trees Have Faces

2011-07-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

I love my neighborhood. From my front door, to the park, around twice, and back is approximately 3 miles. A solid cardio workout. Or just a nice way to stretch your legs. My favorite thing about the park is the inspiration it holds. At least the potential for inspiration, assuming I remember to bring my imagination along with me. Anytime, anytime, I am stuck creatively, all I have to do is take a little stroll. And in a couple of blocks I am transported to another world.

Imagining is easy with street names like Devonshire and Nottingham and houses built straight out of a fairy tale.

There are little stone bridges

And a reflecting pool

where dragons like to sneak up on

unsuspecting mermaids enjoying a good book,

Or where broken hearts can be mended.

A simple park bench becomes a throne.

And the trees

May or may not

Have faces.

Update and 3BT

2011-07-06T09:39:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't written much on here lately, BUT that's because the creative juices have been flowing into the novel. I had a little breakthrough and have been writing like crazy. I'd been stuck in the story for a while, and it feels really good to have burst through those barriers. But I don't want to completely neglect the blog, either. This is not only a space for stretching my creative legs but for keeping in touch with out of town friends and family.

So...a little 3BT action...

Celebration, New Life, Time

1. A BBQ with friends to celebrate the 4th. Delicious food, fantastic conversation, and fireworks to end the night. So grateful for freedom and for those who sacrifice so we can have that freedom.

2. A little one makes his way into the world. Just a brief glimpse, but he is small and pink and healthy. He looks like a burrito all swaddled up.

3. An extra day off. Words can not express the bliss.

3BT Monday

2011-06-27T10:37:00.002-05:00

FroYo, Tree Climbers, and Through New Eyes

1. A last minute invitation for frozen yogurt, and we enjoy a combination of chocolate-y goodness, warm breezes, and pleasant conversation.

2. The sun comes out after the rain, and a couple of towheaded boys run outside to play. The tree in their front yard becomes a pirate ship, but no one has to walk the plank.

3. I take my "little sister" to the Muny. I had forgotten what it was like to go for the first time. "This is way better than a Friday night watching TV," she whispers, her eyes glued to the stage.

Hello Summer

2011-06-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

click on pic for flickr cred

You with your sandals, extra sunshine, fresh peaches, breezy dresses, and stacks of books just begging to be read.

You're my favorite.

3BT Monday

2011-06-20T08:11:00.003-05:00

New dress, Pushing myself, and After the rain

1. Finding a great deal on a comfy summer dress. I feel thrifty...and pretty.

2. After a particularly hard workout where I push myself a little further than normal, I am the good kind of tired. And I am grateful for a body that works.

3. Waves of summer thunderstorms roll through the city over the weekend. Lightning flashes, and the thunder makes its noise all through the night. I wake to the sun peeking through my window.

Actual Conversation with a Co-Worker

2011-06-17T15:56:00.005-05:00

Him: "You always come by and say hello on Fridays. And you're always so happy when you do it."

Me: "I do love Fridays."

Him: "You should stop by on a Wednesday."

Me: "Hmm, maybe. But Fridays will always be my favorite. They make me happy."

Him: "Try eating waffles when it's not Friday."

Me: "Do what now?"

Him: "Well, have you ever been sad when you're eating a waffle?"

Me: "Umm. Again, what?"

Him: "I'm telling ya. Waffles."

Me: Blank stares..."Mkay, I'm gonna go now."

Remembering to LOOK

2011-06-16T15:24:00.005-05:00

"Good and evil meet and do battle in the fairy tale world much as they meet and do battle in our world. [Even so], Joy happens, and the fairy tale world where it happens is not a world where everything is sweetness and light.

"On the contrary, the world where this Joy happens is as full of darkness as our own world, and that is why when it happens it is as poignant as grief and can bring tears to our eyes. It can bring tears to our eyes because it might so easily not have happened...

"If you still have something more than just eyes to see with, [which is to say if the child in you isn't entirely dead], the world can give you these glimpses [of Joy] as well as fairy tales can...The world can give us such glimpses, and dreams can too sometimes..."

~ Frederick Buechner~
Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy, and Fairy Tale

3BT Monday

2011-06-13T08:39:00.003-05:00

Sooo, it's been a while with the whole 3BT Monday thing. Let's get back to it, shall we?

Big & Little, Lilies, and Creative Flow

1. I recently signed up with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. My little sister is bright, funny, artsy, and delightful. A joy to spend time with, and I am thankful.

2. Before I sit down at my desk to write, I open the blinds of my bedroom window. Someone has planted lilies behind my apartment. I smile as my laptop hums on.

3. An art class on Friday night. Shakespeare in the Park on Saturday night. An art-y weekend sets loose a fountain of creativity.

Hey June...

2011-06-01T08:56:00.002-05:00

click the pic for flickr cred

...You take a sad song, and make it better.
The minute I let you under my skin
Then you begin
To make it better, better, better, better, better, better.

Na, na, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na. Hey, June.

Reality Check Courtesy of Laclede Gas Company

2011-05-27T08:16:00.002-05:00

The gas company has been replacing the pipe line on my street for the past several weeks. Which means that the already limited street parking has now been replaced with large pieces of machinery used for digging and such. And the digging combined with the parking far away combined with the tons of rain we've been getting means that I'm hiking through mud every morning to get to my car.

On the up side, I've made friends with the utility crew. One guy in particular is pretty cute, and there's been a little flirting back and forth. A couple of times they've had to come into my apartment to turn the gas back on and relight my stove. The first time Cute Guy came in I suddenly noticed all the things that needed to be done around my apartment. Y'know, all the things you get used to and don't notice until someone comes over?

Like that large, obviously dead house plant that I'm convinced is going to come back to life if I just keep watering it. Or my winter boots that are still sitting by my front door even though it hasn't snowed in two months. Or the stack of fashion magazines that needs to go in the recycling bin. Or the dishes in the drying rack. At least they were clean. But still.

So, thanks Laclede Gas, for opening my eyes to the fact that my apartment desperately needs a little spring cleaning.

Oh, and also? Cute Guy? When I was trudging to my car this morning, he smiled and said what I thought was "You look nice this morning." So I said (a little too enthusiastically), "Thanks!" As I was pulling away it hit me that he had a puzzled look on his face after I responded. And I think what he actually said was, "It's a nice morning." I'm such a dork.

Things Continue To Stir

2011-05-26T14:12:00.002-05:00

A little taste of what's been swirling around inside my head and heart...

"It is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. It is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. It is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. Yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name...

"That is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still."

~ Frederick Buechner~
"Telling the Truth: The Gospel as Tragedy, Comedy, and Fairy Tale"

Still Here

2011-05-09T15:10:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. It's been a while. I haven't been writing much (of anything really) lately. Sometimes you just need to experience life and enjoy it without documenting it to pieces.

And

I'm discovering that sometimes creative ideas need time to marinate. To gestate. Time to grow on their own without my clumsy hands and words mucking them up. And maybe, just maybe, the distractions all around me the past few weeks have been doing their job of diverting my attention away so that some big, lovely, fresh ideas can be born uninhibited.

Because I'm strangely aware of something happening off somewhere in my periphery.

3BT Monday - Five Senses Issue

2011-04-11T08:45:00.002-05:00

Trying to remember to LOOK. And with more than just my eyes.

1. A light breeze floats through my open window, carrying on it the smells of spring. Intoxicating hyacinth, a hint of rain, and someone somewhere grilling something...delicious.

2. An impromptu dinner invitation. Assorted Hank's Cheesecakes melt in my mouth. One bite was cookie dough. And another? Raspberry tart, I believe.

3. Temperatures rise to the 80's and I sit on the front stoop. The sun wraps my bare shoulders up in its warmth. And my toes break free from the confines of shoes, scrunching up soft grass that will soon need trimming.

4. Waking up slowly on a Saturday morning. No alarm clock. Only a bird or two on my windowsill singing me into wakefulness.

5. Walking down my street, I take my time and notice more details than when I'm driving. Bright yellow tulips are blooming in a neighbors yard. A light pink dogwood peeks out from around a corner. Trees come back to bright green life. And the redbuds. Oh! The redbuds.

3BT - Moments of Grace

2011-03-29T08:47:00.002-05:00

I overheard someone use the phrase "moments of grace" last week, and I think that accurately describes 3BT, yes?

Feeling loved, Taking flight, Color pushes through.

1. Birthday wishes from near and far are taken to heart and immensely appreciated. Little Miss Audrey toddles over, hands me a balloon, and says something that sounds like "Happy Birthday."

2. On a very windy day, I spy an older couple sitting at the bus stop. They struggle to keep their jackets closed and their belongings from blowing away. The old man stands up and flaps his arms wide against the wind. The old woman doubles over with laughter.

3. The Spring snow melts and pockets of color begin to appear in my neighborhood park.

Another Birthday

2011-03-25T11:49:00.004-05:00

Today is my birthday. And it snowed. I'm taking this as a good sign.

We had about a week of AMAZING warm, sunny weather.

Before today.

Surely, it's coming back...right?

3BT Monday

2011-03-21T08:55:00.003-05:00

Spring is here, Tidiness, and Unexpected visits

1. A neighbor and I arrive home at the same time, both with a little extra bounce in our steps. "It's great to feel Spring in the air," she says. I couldn't agree more.

2. A morning spent cleaning and straightening the apartment. Satisfaction and a fresh start. Spring flowers adorn a clutter-free table.

3. To swing by a friend's home intending only to drop off a small item. Then to be invited in and have it turn into a delightful afternoon visit.

Welcome Spring

2011-03-20T09:00:00.006-05:00

click on photo for flickr cred

Bring your warmth, your light, and your new beginnings.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2011-03-17T08:52:00.002-05:00

May your blessings outnumber the Shamrocks that grow.

On Cursing

2011-03-16T08:00:00.004-05:00

I spent some time with a gal recently who likes to drop swear words into the conversation.

Often.

I think it's a new development for her. She doesn't seem very confident in her delivery. It's awkward and feels forced, almost like she's the new girl at school trying too hard to fit in with the cool kids. Like she's testing the words to see how they sound coming out of her mouth.

For the record, they sound a little ridiculous. It just doesn't suit her, and it's kinda hard to take her seriously. I'm not trying to be all Judgy McJudgerson. I'm just saying, I don't think this girl is one of those people who can pull off swearing.

Not that I really am either. I do swear on occasion. When I'm scared or angry, an expletive slips out. But I didn't grow up in an environment where swear words were spoken. So, that vocabulary isn't readily accessible in my brain as common place conversation.

Although, I will admit, I learned from my maternal grandmother, Mary Lou, the impact of a well-placed curse word when you need to get your point across. And while Julia Sugarbaker doesn't swear in the clip below, her words are certainly well-placed. Maybe I should pass this along to my friend.

3BT Monday

2011-03-14T10:46:00.002-05:00

Kindness, Finished, and Food & Friends

1. Seeing such a vast outpouring of care and support to those in need in Japan restores some faith in humanity. And I continue to give & pray.

2. With the exception of a few feet on a hill at mile three, I run the entire "St. Patrick's Day Race" and finish with a 12-minute mile. My friend, Amanda, that I ran with gives me a high five. I feel a major sense of accomplishment and wonder what I could do if I actually trained hard.

3. McGurk's with Cheryl and Shana. Then dinner with the Fogus's. A weekend of good food with good friends, and I feel blessed.

See You On Monday, Chick-Fil-A

2011-03-13T10:00:00.001-05:00

Awesome.

If It's as Good as the Commercial...

2011-03-11T08:00:00.004-06:00

...I might have to try it. Have you seen the new commercial for FAGE yogurt? I have no idea if it actually tastes good or not, but I love, love, love the poem. And I'm almost positive Willem Dafoe is doing the voice over. So, that right there is pretty much all it takes.

Plain was the same as it ever was the same.
Plainly plain
Samely same

BUT THEN...

Someone lit the flame.

Plain rode away on lion's mane
Where plain met fruits with strangely names
Such wonderful things they did contain
A shot of life to a hungry vein
The captive beast who broke the chain.

And there upon that fruited plain
Is where plain became what plain became

So much more than more than plain.

Plain will never be the same.

Catching Up

2011-03-10T08:25:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and distracted. I've been traveling for work again, which always throws a kink into things. This time it was to Birmingham, though. Free trip to see the family! Good times. Now, I'm trying to catch up from being out of the office for a couple of days. Is it possible to be busy and bored at the same time? I think, yes.

People have been asking me about the St. Patrick's Day Run on Saturday. Best conversation so far...

"Are you ready for Saturday?"
"If by 'ready' you mean I have a good pair of shoes and a cute running outfit, then yes."
"I don't think 'ready' means what you think it means."

So, um, yeah. I'm the opposite of ready.

But Daylight Savings Time begins Sunday. So there's that.

Oh, and belated 3BT:

1. Sweet time with family. Lullabies, puzzles, and giggles. Walking the kids to school. I miss them!
2. A disco ball descends from the ceiling...in the middle of church. And children, acting out the story of the prodigal son after he's run off with his inheritance, begin to sing an adapted version of "I Will Survive." Dance moves included. Awesome.
3. An extremely turbulent flight with no dramamine...and I did NOT get sick. This is a big deal. A very big deal.

3BT Monday

2011-02-28T10:50:00.003-06:00

Recalibration, The Oscar Goes To, and Stormy Weather

1. An overdue visit to the salon where frayed ends are seen to. Half an hour of pilates and stretching. Reading Buechner and Manning. Extended time spent in prayer and meditation. A much needed weekend of physical, mental, and spiritual tending.

2. Laughter, food, and games with lots of oohing and aahing over the Oscars. Blissful escape from reality...if only for an evening. Anne did a fabulous job.

3. At 11pm the wind is blowing, and sirens are blaring. I hear a knock at my door, and open up to see my upstairs neighbor asking if I'm headed to the basement. I say not yet and invite her inside. We sit together in our pjs, flashlights and cell phones in hand, watching channel 4's tornado warnings. Everything calms down, and as she's leaving, she notices several pairs of shoes strewn about the apartment. She shoots me a questioning glance. I sheepishly confess that just before she came downstairs, I had been making room to hide in my closet if a tornado touched down. We have a good laugh and say good night.

It's My Superbowl

2011-02-25T13:27:00.003-06:00

The Oscars are Sunday!!!! And I can't wait. A friend of mine is throwing an Oscar party, and I'm thinking of making these cookies.

Awe. Some.

But in reality I'll probably just buy some treats from the local bakery. Because as much as I love to bake (and I mean love), I've picked up a few pounds this winter. And the absolute last thing I need is more cookies lying around the house calling out my name in the middle of the night. That sounds creepier than I meant it to.

I've been training hard. No, not for the St. Patrick's Day 5 mile run. (Though, I have been doing a little for that as well.) For the Oscars. Watching the movies, obviously, is part of the training. (The King's Speech...Colin Firth...oh my.) As is getting my inner fashionista ready to critique the gowns and the shoes and the jewelry and the hair. But my favorite part has been listening to interviews and finding out all kinds of interesting details about the actors and the movies.

Today, on Fresh Air, they replayed some of the nominees' interviews with Terry Gross. Who, by the way, I love. I think I want to be Terry Gross when I grow up. She asks such probing and interesting questions and always seems to be genuinely interested in her guests.

So, Terry is interviewing Melissa Leo, and she makes the comment that she appreciates how Melissa doesn't use botox and how her face looks like an actual face. And she asks her if she has felt the pressure to succumb to the youthful Hollywood standards. Melissa says not really because her mother didn't raise a vain daughter. She talks about the beauty and wisdom of the women in her life and how there are some things that can only be learned after 70, 80, 90 years, and how wonderful that is. Then she says "Anti-aging. Bah!"

Love it!

Even though I just bought some new "anti-aging" face lotion.

I'm not as secure as Melissa Leo.

Anyway.

The Oscars are Sunday night! Yay!

Because Sometimes...

2011-02-23T08:00:00.010-06:00

...all it takes is one compliment.

Maybe it was the dip back into rain and cold after a few days of Spring-like weather. Maybe it was PMS. Or maybe it was just the fact that my job doesn't necessarily hold great meaning or deep fulfillment for me. But when I read a quote from Nietzsche a few days ago, I started contemplating running off to join the Peace Corps.

Seriously.

I'm not even kidding.

It was just a simple question. "Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?" But it sent me into a tailspin of existential questions and searching and wondering what in the world I'm doing here. Welcome to crazytown.

This is nothing new. It happens every couple of months. I get discouraged with the fact that my job doesn't really utilize my gifts and abilities and that it can sometimes be kind of thankless. I get frustrated because all of the things I really want to do with my life are all volunteer positions. And the rent's not gonna pay itself.

But there was an email exchange yesterday that helped...a little. A co-worker referred to me as the "event coordinator, " which is not my official title. I jokingly responded:

"I like the way that sounds. Add it to my business card."

To which he replied: "All the things you do wouldn't fit on a business card. You'd need a business poster."

*sigh* That should get me through March.

3BT Monday

2011-02-21T10:33:00.004-06:00

I remember reading somewhere once that there are two things in life that prick the human heart. Pain and Beauty. And in order to balance out the pain we need as much, if not more, beauty in our lives.

I agree.

As I'm trying to live that out, I've learned a few things about pain, beauty, and myself.

Pain usually shows up in much more obvious ways. You have to look for beauty.

Sometimes pain and beauty come along in the same moment, both equally taking your breath away but for drastically different reasons.

I've always thought of myself as a glass half full kind of gal, but over the last few years it has become much too easy to get overwhelmed by the pain and lose sight of the beauty. Which makes it all the more important? Necessary? Urgent? to make it a practice of looking for beauty, both large and small.

I guess I just needed to remind myself that this Monday 3BT list isn't merely sweet, flowery, sentimental fluff. It's my clumsy attempt to acknowledge Beauty and build the habit of looking for it...every day. Because Pain is too real not to.

Big Moon Rising, Hopes of Spring, Sweet Comfort

1. An unseasonably warm night. I step outside and hear children laughing, playing basketball in the alley. A full white moon is huge and rising.

2. Fresh flowers brighten my dining room table, and I open a window to let the breeze blow through. My home feels light and airy. Spring really is coming.

3. A crying babe in my arms is soothed with a stuffed animal and a lullaby. She lays her head on my shoulder, snuggling up close. As the tension leaves her body, I melt.

The Insomnia Has GOT To Go

2011-02-18T08:31:00.003-06:00

There I was, sitting at a wobbly table in a small and dimly lit piano bar. The Avett Brothers were on stage singing "November Blue," and the bartender, who turned out to be Johnny Depp, brought me a drink. Suddenly, Johnny, Glen Hansard, and Alex O'Laughlin were all at the table vying for my attention.

And then I woke up. For no apparent reason. No outside noises, no temperature problems, no physical needs of any kind. I looked at the clock on my bedside table. A big, blurry, red 3:30 glared back at me. Technically, it was 3:20 because my clock is set 10 minutes fast. But that's really neither here nor there.

I flipped my pillow over to the cool side and desperately tried to pick up the dream where I left off. What was it Glen was saying in his adorable Irish accent? Something about going on tour with him and ordering apple juice & mashed potatoes? Yeah, it didn't make sense in the dream either.

There was tossing and turning until my alarm went off at 6:30. Johnny, Glen, Alex, and The Avett Brothers had faded off into that place where dreams disappear. The only things that showed up in my fits and spurts of sleep were weird cats and a strange incident where I tried to spot clean a rug with tanning lotion. It didn't work.

I am SO tired. I've tried all the non-medical remedies I can think of. And I am thisclose to calling the Chinese herbalist that a co-worker swears by. I just. want. to. sleep. Glen and his guitar are waiting for me.

3BT Monday

2011-02-14T13:41:00.002-06:00

Be Merry, Surprise, Sunshine

1. A pint of Guinness among friends with fiddles playing in the background makes for a good Friday night.

2. Flowers from a friend are delivered to my work, and it's the talk of the office. What a scandal!

3. Sunshine. SUNSHINE, I tell you! And with it comes warmth. Snow and ice and heavy coats melt away. Everybody and their brother emerges out of hibernation and converges on Forest Park Sunday afternoon. A friend and I walk and chat and smile. A decision is made to enter the 5 mile St. Patrick's Day run. What have I done?!

Random

2011-02-11T08:24:00.004-06:00

1) I've been having trouble sleeping. For weeks now. And it's starting to get old. I've tried taking melatonin, but it's not working so much. I know this isn't a huge deal. There are worse problems to be dealt with in the world. This would be filed somewhere between that time I got sunburned once and realizing that I was still sporting a side ponytail and hot pink high top Converse sneakers 6 months after that fashion statement had moved on. But I haven't had a good night's sleep in what feels like months. And last night was rough. I'm TIRED.

2) The SUN is out! And the temps are supposed to be in the low 40's this weekend. After highs of 20 degrees for the past week and layers of snow and ice, it feels like summer. There's talk of washing cars and picnics.

3) I got this card in the mail yesterday from one of my best friends. Her sense of humor is one of my favorite things about her. That and her run-on sentences.

On the inside she writes:

"Hey Jackie! I hope your Valentine's Day doesn't suck. Maybe a mysterious man (who is extremely good looking & Irish) will send you a bouquet of flowers (not roses, they're too cliche'; irises or tulips - something creative & beautiful) & in those flowers is a note professing his undying love for you and that your beauty is unmatched in all the world & then he'll whisk you off to the Mediterranean where your best friend will visit you every St. Patrick's Day...Here's hoping!...P.S. Sorry there's no chocolate with this card. Cheers!"

4) I've been feeling a little stuck creatively this week. (I think it has something to do with the whole not sleeping thing. And maybe the aforementioned layers of snow and ice.) I remember reading somewhere that if you're having trouble praying you should read other prayers until you feel like you can pray again. So that's what I've been doing with all the posting of the quotes. Reading other people's writing to prime the pump, as you do. Not sure if it's working yet.

Too Cold, Too Cold

2011-02-07T08:14:00.005-06:00

Something waits beneath it - the whole story doesn't show.
~Andrew Wyeth

In the depths of Winter I finally learned that within me
there lay an invincible Summer.
~ Albert Camus

O Wind, if Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?
~ Percy B. Shelley

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
~J.R.R. Tolkien

Almost and Some Other Things

2011-01-28T08:24:00.005-06:00

Well. It's almost the end of January. And the 50,000 words I was hoping to have finished? Not gonna happen. I may have bitten off a little more than I could chew.

BUT.

There were three reasons that I set that goal in the first place. Three overarching, bigger goals, if you will.

1) I needed to get back to writing on a regular basis.
2) I wanted to make some significant progress on the novel.
3) Every January I slip into The Winter Funk, or as my friend Jennifer calls it, "The Nursing Home." (Where you just sit in a chair with a blanket over your lap and stare glassy-eyed at the television.) So, I figured if I was being all creative and stuff then that would help to counteract the gloom and doom of a midwest winter.

And it totally worked.

So while I fell shy of the word count, I absolutely met the big picture goals. And I'm good with that.

In other news, I've become my mother.

My mom makes lists. One time she even made a list of all of her lists. I've never been a "list" person myself. Something about the planning and the structure and the...oh I don't know. I just like to wing it. But sometimes winging it isn't good enough. Especially in my job. There? Winging it definitely doesn't cut it.

So, I've resorted to making lists. And you know what? I like it. There's something immensely satisfying in crossing things off when I'm done with a project. Now I've taken this whole list making thing over to my personal life. Sometimes? On a Saturday? I get up in the morning and the first thing I do is make a list of things that need to get done. Even if it's only "take a shower." I just like checking off the little boxes.

My latest To Do list:
1. Mop up the snowy footprints at the front door.
2. Take out the recycling.
3. Frame that picture that's been sitting by the closet since last Summer.
4. Don't just watch the workout dvd. Get up and DO it.
5. Re-read To Kill A Mockingbird and Catcher in the Rye.
6. Sign up with Big Brother/Big Sister.
7. Sell 3 things on craigslist.
8. Go to writer's group consistently.
9. Buy fresh flowers every week during the month of March.
10. Reinstate the weekly "artist's date."
11. Write letters to friends.
12. Turn short story into short script.
13. Get to a beach this year.
14. Schedule my 6 month dentist appt.
15. Take an art class.
16. Buy a pretty dress.
17. Visit hermitage for a spiritual retreat.
18. Find a great shade of red lipstick.
19. Go to the Butterfly House.
20. Keep writing.

That should do. For now.

Wonder

2011-01-25T13:41:00.002-06:00

We wake, if ever at all, to mystery.
~ Annie Dillard

Earth's crammed with heaven.
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes.
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.
~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The real mystery of life is not a problem to be solved.
It is a reality to be experienced.
~J.J. Van der Leeuw

He is short-sighted who looks only on the path he treads
and the wall on which he leans.
~ Kahlil Gibran

The universe is full of magical things
patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
~ Eden Phillpotts

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.
~ C.S. Lewis

3BT Monday

2011-01-17T10:42:00.003-06:00

Running Leaps, Wisps and Curls, Leftover snow

1. Sitting at my new writing desk, I watch the squirrel through my bedroom window. He attempts an ambitious leap, and with a running start his journey from the ground to the fence post is successful. He has given me an idea for the story.

2. I snuff out a candle and watch the smoke as it curls through the air. It fades and leaves behind a faint scent of burnt matches and lemonwood.

3. Small drifts of snow still linger from last week's storm. It crunches beneath my feet, and the frigid air smells crisp and clean.

3BT Monday

2011-01-10T11:57:00.003-06:00

The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it yet within our reach is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness could we but see -- and to see we have only to look...

Fra Giovanni Giocondo

And I've been looking...

1. A toddler waddles beside her dad in the freezing cold. She peeks up at him from underneath a furry hood and grins.

2. Chiding myself for obsessively checking my story's word count after every paragraph, I set a rule/reward that I can only check it at the end of one hour's worth of writing. I reap my reward and find that I have exceeded the day's goal!

3. An old hymn is sung with new music...and the theme of looking continues, "When darkness hides His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace. In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil."

Word of the Year

2011-01-05T13:04:00.011-06:00

I've been hearing about this idea lately from several different places, and I'm kind of intrigued. It's picking a word for the year. One grounding word that will be a touchstone to come back to throughout the year when you need inspiration or just a reminder of what is true.

I came up with a short list of words that would have all worked well and all seem to have the same general theme, but the one I couldn't shake loose was "Look." I've had this nagging suspicion lately that there is more than meets the eye in the world around me. Like maybe I'm missing something. A hidden beauty. Some glory disguised. Things that, if I looked at them differently or observed them more closely, I would see them as they truly are.

I don't think it's a coincidence that this is one of the key themes to the young adult novel I'm working on, which by the way, I'm hoping to have 50,000 words written by the end of January. Yikes! So, there likely won't be too many blog posts this month. (If anybody wants to shoot me a text or an email for accountability to meeting that goal, I'd appreciate it...I think.)

Sometimes my eyes get blurry. Sometimes I forget that life and love and creativity are all right in front of me. Sometimes I forget to seek it out, to seek God out. You'd think if I wanted something so badly, I would remember it. But that's the funny thing about engaging in "life abundant." There is immense freedom. We are not coerced.

And so when I lose my way this year, as I am prone to do, I will try and remember to return to the present moment. To lean into the truth of God's presence in that moment. To open my heart, soul, mind, and body to the possibilities of what might actually be. And to LOOK.

Claymation - Carol of the Bells

2010-12-21T10:16:00.005-06:00

My little brother and I get a kick out of this.
Every.
Year.

3BT Monday

2010-12-20T10:04:00.003-06:00

Finished, Twinkling, and The Nutcracker

1. My Christmas shopping is complete. Still a little wrapping to do, but what a relief to have it all finished...and just under the wire at that.

2. A friend and I take a drive to check out all of the lights and decorations near my neighborhood. "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is our soundtrack while the lights twinkle on a backdrop of snow.

3. It's my first time to see The Nutcracker live. The snowflakes are my favorite, and I wish I had taken more ballet classes as a child.

Bonus: Skyping with my family for a pre-Christmas celebration. Seeing my Grandma experience skype...priceless.

3BT Monday - Snow Edition

2010-12-13T10:08:00.007-06:00

1. Waking up early on a weekend and seeing the ground blanketed with several inches of snow, I crawl right back into bed and snuggle in for just a while longer.

2. Nowhere to go, no place to be. Hot chocolate, wool socks, and Christmas movies. I smile at the window as snowflakes float softly by.

3. My boots crunch along the sidewalk. I'm careful not to disturb the tiny paw prints left behind from a neighbor's morning walk. Back inside I enjoy a clementine orange, and I light a Christmas-y scented candle.

Thoughts on Advent

2010-12-09T13:47:00.003-06:00

Moving into Advent but not at Christmas just yet, I find myself keenly aware of the space between waiting and fulfillment, between questions and their answers. There is that all-too-familiar tension between what already is and what is yet to come.

I feel a kindred spirit with folks like Simeon and Anna and imagine how they must have felt when they were young. Believing and certain, but having only longing as company while they kept watch. And today I'm drawn more towards words like "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" over the more celebratory Christmas hymns.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

3BT Monday

2010-12-06T08:22:00.003-06:00

Jingle Bells, Christmas Hymns, and Twinkle Lights

1. As I get ready for work, the clasps on my makeup bag clink together and sound like sleigh bells. For a split second, I catch my 5 year old self looking around for reindeer.

2. Sandra McCracken and Derek Webb lead a smallish group of us in hymns and Christmas carols. I'm reminded of days in college sitting around with folks and a few guitars and singing for hours.

3. Warm and peaceful and snuggled under a blanket, I fall to sleep basking in the glow of twinkle lights.

Courage and Enthusiasm

2010-12-02T11:40:00.004-06:00

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
~Anais Nin

"It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing."
~ Duke Ellington; Irving Mills

So, the whole writing a novel thing? Weeeeell. I've been procrastinating, see. And finding excuses. Which makes me sound like a crazy person because I LOVE to write. I love being creative. And why would a sane and reasonable person put off doing a thing that brings them joy? Why? I've been trying to figure out that very thing.

And I think I'm on to something.

When I started writing this story I needed it to be perfect and great and ART, which made it difficult to produce any art at all. Quietly, fear crept in and whispered that no one would want to read it when it's finished, and that I probably wouldn't be able to finish it at all, and that I wasn't disciplined enough to make it happen.

So, I tried to make my creative heart more disciplined. Military style. A regimented writing schedule. A salute to the laptop. And I failed miserably. Because my creative heart is not a robot. Yes, commitment and discipline are part of the process. But the driving force is undeniably enthusiasm. Joy, not duty.

So, I'm taking smaller more manageable steps. Finding the courage to brave the fears. Writing one chapter at a time, one paragraph at a time instead of trying to complete the whole finished project in one sitting. Reconnecting with the joy of story-telling and letting that be my motivation.

Courage and Enthusiasm.

Love in a Pan

2010-11-29T11:19:00.007-06:00

"What's the difference between dressing and stuffing?" a co-worker asked me last week as we were talking about favorite Thanksgiving foods.

"Stuffing is really just wet bread. And the fact that it sometimes goes up the business end of a turkey makes it unappetizing in general. Cornbread dressing is, well, it's...it's just about the best thing you've ever tasted," I tried to explain.

"But what's in it?"

"Cornbread -- and not the sugary stuff that you Midwesterners call cornbread -- onion, celery, and a whole bunch of other good stuff."

He shrugged his shoulders and didn't seem all that impressed.

"Look," I kept going, "it's more than the sum of its parts. Rattling off the ingredients doesn't begin to describe how good it is. You have to taste it. You have to experience it." Feeling as though I wasn't quite getting my point across, I pressed further, "It's like if you tried to describe the mechanics of a kiss. Breaking it down into the individual parts doesn't at all convey the experience, the emotions and excitement that come with kissing the person you love."

My co-worker blinked then stared at me. "Southerners are really into their dressing."

"You have no idea. It's love in a pan."

Road Trip

2010-11-24T07:00:00.005-06:00

Bags are packed

The tank is full.

Snacks at the ready.

Ipod loaded up.

Grateful for road trips.
And for those waiting to welcome me at the other end.

A Great City

2010-11-23T08:00:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I read THIS article. Seriously? I live in the city and have never once felt unsafe. Ever. I don't know how they gather the data or what type of number crunching is going on, but something is off. Of course there are areas, as there are in any urban area, that have their issues. But there is no way that St. Louis as a whole is the most dangerous city in the entire United States of America.

So.

Today I am grateful to live in a fabulous city. A place with all of the benefits of a big city but the feel of a small town. A place where no matter what race or socio-economic background you are from, we all bleed Cardinal Red.

I love Forest Park and it's amazing FREE zoo and running trails and art & history museums. The Muny. The Arch. Art Hill on a snow day. Free outdoor concerts every summer. Francis Park. Sandwiches from Mom's Deli. Ted Drewes' Frozen Custard. Gus's Pretzels. Toasted Ravioli. Gooey Butter Cake. Friendly, helpful people.

I may complain about the Winter around these parts, but I am so thankful for a charming, delightful, and cozy city to call home.

3BT Grateful Monday

2010-11-22T08:37:00.004-06:00

Imagination, Children at Heart, Anticipation

1. Those quiet morning moments between sleep and wakefulness when dreams are still fresh and imagination runs wild

2. Going to see Harry Potter and being delightfully surprised to find that there were mostly grown-ups standing in line. Granted it was a later showing. But it made me wonder if maybe? Maybe we are all really children at heart.

3. I leave Wednesday headed home for the Thanksgiving holiday. It's a 10 hour drive. So, snacks have been purchased. Ipod is loaded with tunes and podcasts alike. And I'm ready to leave yesterday.

Cute Shoes!

2010-11-21T12:00:00.001-06:00

Today I am grateful for my new cute ankle boots.

That I got on sale.

With an additional 30% off the sale price.

Don't my feet look happy?!

A Productive Saturday

2010-11-20T15:39:00.004-06:00

Frankly, I was hoping for a lazy Saturday seeing as how my last two weekends were spent working. But I woke up in the mood to clean. This in and of itself is bizarre on several different levels. I got up (before my alarm, on a Saturday, mind you) and totally started nesting. I'm getting really, really excited about decorating for Christmas. So, I think I just felt like doing an advance sprucing up of the place in preparation.

So.

Today I am grateful for a clean and orderly home and a well-spent and productive Saturday. I even got a work-out squeezed in there. AND dyed my hair and trimmed my bangs. Aren't I resourceful?

Tonight? I convinced a friend to go see the new Harry Potter movie with me. I know. I'm a dork.

Today I am grateful for

2010-11-19T08:45:00.002-06:00

Friday
Warm blankets
Delicious chocolate protein shakes
Strange and silly dreams in need of analyzing
Things to look forward to
Colorful pens
Forecasts that are mostly sunny

Accomplishments and Making Decisions

2010-11-18T11:19:00.010-06:00

Today I am grateful for two things: a sense of accomplishment and decision making abilities.

It's taken me a couple of days, but the pile of work that gathered on my desk while I was out of the office is now completely gone. Every box checked off, every item delivered, every email returned. Quite satisfying, I tell you.

I, a self-proclaimed "Indecisive," have made several decisions over the past few days. Some small and insignificant, some large and profound. Here are a few of my answers:

Yes.
Pass on the soda.
Medium Brown, 5C
Regrettably, No. Even though it breaks my heart a little.
Two, please.
Not yet.
Chocolate. Always chocolate.
Driving, not flying.
A little bit of everything.
Sea green candy dish.
Yes.

Grateful for Clear Sidewalks

2010-11-17T11:32:00.004-06:00

click on photo for flickr cred

One of my favorite things about where I live is the oak trees that form a canopy over my street. It's beautiful in the Spring and Summer. Even in the Winter. But in the Fall? As pretty as it is? It just becomes more of a nuisance. Like those guys that are really attractive, but once you get to know them you realize they're a little too high maintenance? I mean, I like a guy who takes care of himself, but if he needs more hair products than me, it's not gonna work out.

Anyway.

Acorns have covered the yard and sidewalk in front of my apartment for weeks now. It's dangerous terrain trying to get from my front door to my car. Every morning I look like a crazy person. Feet sliding around manically while my upper body stays in one spot. Arms waving about all akimbo. All I need now is the cartoony noises from The Flintstones or Scooby Doo, and I'd be set.

But I got home from work yesterday, and the sidewalk was CLEAR! A beautiful sight to behold for sure. I really am grateful for my landlord who came and cleaned things up. Seeing the safe, acorn free sidewalk made the recent hike in rent a little more bearable.

Thankful for travel...and time to recover

2010-11-16T10:49:00.016-06:00

This past weekend was the last "travel for work" weekend I have until Spring. Ahh, today I am thankful for a little down time. These work weekends are exhausting. But a co-worker and I managed to squeeze in a quick trip to Manhattan Saturday night.

It took a few minutes to figure out the train schedule.

Pressing our way through Times Square

I couldn't figure out the settings on my camera.

Ah, there we go. That's better.

Preparations for Christmas are underway.
(There's a HUGE tree amidst all that scaffolding!)
One of these days I'm gonna see that tree fully decorated and lit up in person.

Later, we found ourselves in an Empire State of Mind.

We finished the night off with a stroll around
Greenwich Village and Soho
And some chocolate gelato.

Best (I think) compliment of the weekend..."You look like the after picture on 'What Not To Wear!'" (Though, now I wonder what I looked like "before.")

2nd best compliment of the weekend...Getting asked directions by non-native New Yorkers. Three times! I'm sure they asked me because my stylish fashion sense made them think I was a Manhattanite. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the gigantic map I was holding. Really.

Today I Am Grateful For

2010-11-11T10:53:00.002-06:00

Thin November Light.

Still Grateful...

2010-11-09T13:06:00.004-06:00

...even though I've not been posting every day. It's not always easy to keep this up while traveling for work. But here are some "gratefuls" from the past few days while in Chicago.

~The convenience of modern travel and pleasant hotel accommodations. Few things can beat a comfortable and well made-up bed. And there's something delicious in the small pleasure of not having to do it yourself, yes?

~Riding the "El." People are strange and wonderful. And the collection of diverse cultures and personalities all gathered in one train car is absolutely fascinating.

~A chill in the air allows me to bring out my favorite scarf for the first time this season.

~A date. And deep dish pizza. Delectable.

~Catching a show at The Second City. Hahahoohooheeheehee! These folks can bring the funny.

~A whole extra hour of sleep. In a bed I didn't have to make myself.